Recently, I struggled with one of the most painful days that I've had in a very long time. I had attempted to do some heavy household chores, and my body rebelled against me. My painkillers did nothing to ease the pain that was spread throughout my entire body, and I tried a hot shower and even a linament that is supposed to relax sore muscles. Nothing seemed to help so I cuddled up in bed with my dogs and slept for two hours. When I awoke, the pain had subsided a bit, but still wasn't completely gone.

I don't usually share my really bad days with others, but I was in so much pain that I did let a few of my on-line friends know about it. The response was compassionate and understanding, and I greatly appreciated it. Someone even sent me a card but it was from a secret pal, and I haven't a clue who cared enough to take the time to brighten up my day.

Dealing with severe pain isn't helped by my anger at myself for doing household chores that I know I'm not suppose to do. However, our house has become very dirty and messy since the children are so busy with school and work, and they don't have the time to help with the heavier chores. My husband does what he can, but he is working hard and trying to keep us out of debt by working at two jobs, plus doing some of the much needed repairs around this house.

Anger at myself always turns to depression, hopelessness and frustration with my fibromyalgia and my life changes. If I use my anger in a destructive manner, such as yelling at my family members, or trying to do things that I know will cause me more physical pain, then I'm not taking care of myself.

It is difficult to be the woman in the home who has fibromyalgia, and I've heard of many women who struggle with their families and themselves, trying to keep the household running as it did prior to developing fibromyalgia. In a previous article that I wrote about fibromyalgia and the family, someone brought up the question of how she had read books that said that fibromyalgia didn't have to affect the family. Her question was, "How it could possibly not, when the person who "runs" the household can't do it anymore?"

Fibromyalgia definitely affects a family, and my belief is that it affects the family the greatest when it is the woman who has fibromyalgia. Not only can some of us not work outside the home at careers that we enjoyed, but we also can't keep the activities of daily living under control when we are dealing with a great deal of pain or fatigue.

Our anger at our chronic condition, at ourselves, and at our family and friends for not understanding what we go through during a day can affect our fibromyalgia even more. Some of us learn to let go of household chores and accept that our homes will never be perfectly clean and that meals won't be on the table on time. Others of us take up the cause of educating others about this chronic condition, and hope to make a difference in the way people with fibromyalgia are treated. Others try to help those who aren't coping well with their FMS, and some people vent their anger on their families and friends, which only alienates them more.

Most of the books and web sites which I've read tend to place the responsibility of educating others about our condition upon us, the people who need the most support. Basically, we have to do all the work of getting others to understand our fibromyalgia, and it becomes another source of anger for us. If we had cancer, would we have to spend precious time and energy explaining our condition to others? The answer is obvious, but what is our solution for dealing with fibromyalgia?

People see us as "normal," and being accused of laziness certainly doesn't help us deal with our anger. Also, trying to please our families and friends by doing more than we are capable of doing is not only destructive for our anger, but also for our pain and fatigue levels.

I've tried family conferences, ignored the demands and expectations of others, and have given up doing a few of the things that I enjoy so that I can get some household chores done, but none of these things have worked for me. Sure, the family conferences help for a few days, but then things just go back to where they were before. However, I do know that when I'm doing something that I want to do, I'm happy and in less pain. The difficulty with this is that the expectations of my family and friends is that if I can sit at the computer writing or creating a graphic, then I should be able to keep my house reasonably clean. Explaining to them that I'm distracting myself from my pain doesn't seem to help. Their expectation is that I could distract myself by cleaning out a cupboard, dusting, or picking up clutter around the house. These things do not distract me. In fact, they cause me more anger, resentment, and of course, physical pain.

Anger in women is not pretty, nor is it acceptable within our society, but we do have the right to feel angry about our fibromyalgia, and we also have the right to voice that anger. Men with fibromyalgia have different obstacles to overcome, but it is the household chores which tend to be left to women. Some women with fibromyalgia have supportive spouses and children who take on the physically demanding household chores, and whether or not they are angry about having to be more responsible is something that only they themselves can address. We are not responsible for other people's feelings. We are only responsible for our own feelings and how we express them.

We need to accept our anger towards our fibromyalgia and deal with it in a constructive manner. Whether it is just writing about it, or sharing it with a trusted person who can understand, we need to learn to let go of our old ideas about who we are and what we are capable of doing. It isn't easy, but with practice, we can become more assertive with others, and take better care of ourselves.

Comment:   This story was also an article presented on a website called Suite 101 in which the author, Cynthia Webber is the editor.

Author's note:
I'm a Registered Nurse who is unable to work due to my fibromyalgia and now am using my untapped creative skills for designing web sites, and teaching myself to do graphics...I also am considering using my articles and journal entries..with a lot of editing...to write a book.